Good Luck, Young Dentist! Here’s How to Dupe People and Make Money

Dear budding dentist – do you know of the many evil ways you can make a fortune?

Disclaimer: I swear that none of the doctors mentioned in this article are alive. For if I were to admit so, I would be dead….

So, you have finally completed the never-ending 8 year-odd struggle through medical school.

You started as a shiny-eyed, bushy-tailed squirrel, dreaming of transforming the world with your healing touch. But somewhere down the dusty, torturous journey, panic set in. How long will it be before you are able to recover the fortune you have spent, you grieve?

Once again, for the nth time, you wish you had become a DJ instead. Quick money, quick gains. And oh, the lure of that DJ Controller/Mixer with its enticing EDM sounds! To make others dance to your tune…. Aah…the pain of that lost opportunity tugs at your heart strings as you look at the vast spread of medical equipment in your frightfully expensive private clinic.

But wait, all is not lost! That magical DJ Mixer can still come in handy in your practice. Here’s how.

“Come Into My Parlour...”

In the beginning, to lure clients, you resort to standing in the alley personally outside your “hole-in-the-wall-expensive” clinic. You flash your own pearly whites at every passer-by, informing them of the massive discount you are offering as your inaugural offer. It is only later – much later – when your clever game of “Come Into My Parlour…” begins getting several Spiders in, that you finally hire the neediest, desperately-looking-for-a-job” Assistant at rock bottom salary.

Once your customer sits captive in your pricey Dentists’ Chair, you cast your gaze dolefully at how much the Air Compressor, Suction Units, X-Ray Equipment, Vacuum Autoclaves, Thermo Disinfectors, Ultrasonic Surgical, Curing Lights etc have cost you.

You decide to grab your future in your hands. Literally.

Seizing the patient’s face firmly you command – “Open your mouth wide…say Aaaaah!” You start your DJ session – jabbing at his gums... tapping sensitive teeth, poking into crevices – all to the background of  reactive sounds, creating your own EDM.

Then you ask casually, “So, tell me – where is the pain?”

The hapless patient tries to mumble something incoherently through the restraint of the tongue clamp that presses the tongue down, the long wad of cotton that grotesquely curls his lips up and the overhead light that blinds him.

But your performance is in full swing.

Do You Want Your Patient to Know This?

You peer in attentively into his treasure trove and carefully pull out the teeth exactly to the side of the painful, rotten ones. Then you shake your head worriedly and inform:

“It’s a bad situation you have here. You will need six cavities filled, three root canal treatments and two gum procedures done.”

Then you remember how much that chair he is sitting on cost you and you get a moment of inspiration, “The  impacted ones will need a lot of work on them. I will need to extract the front teeth and put crowns on them.”

And, to humour him, you mention a figure that you would have normally charged, and then magnanimously inform him about the HUGE discount you are giving him “as a special favour only for you.”

Sedated, dazed, confused, frightened, lip-numbed and immobilised, the patient seems all set to run away in terror.

“But if you decide not to go ahead, you will get shooting, severe pain soon. Why, I cannot even mention the other effects it can have on your face!”

And as your quaking patient resigns to a life of endless clinic visits, getting healthy teeth pulled out, healthy gums operated on, watching his mouth turn into a cantilever bridge competing with the San Francisco one, your own EMI’s finally start getting taken care of.

Aah, you sigh with satisfaction. Thank God for the emotion of Fear and thank God for the opportunity to professionally instill it.

As long as people have teeth on this earth, you  have nothing to worry about.

In which other profession can a root canal become  your personal route to wealth?

(This is the first of a series of parodies on the medical profession, that Neelam Kumar will be writing. She means no harm, tooth be told! and will be enlightening one about the wondrous profession of the gynaecologist in her next article. Watch this space for more!)

(Neelam Kumar has battled cancer twice. A writer of 5 books, including one with Mr Khushwant Singh, Neelam’s latest book ‘To Cancer, With Love – My Journey of Joy’ was published by Hay House Publishers in 2015. It is the first humorous book on cancer to come out of India. Neelam lives in Mumbai and can be reached at [e-mail])