Camera: Athar Rather
All women have at some point in their lives endured uncomfortable experiences, and while we know we should speak up and do something about it instantly, it may not be as easy always. A number of psychological factors may hold you back, one of them being embarrassment – although, there’s no reason why a woman should feel that way.
“I Look Away Instead of You” is a woman’s first person experience of feeling embarrassed after being ogled at, even though she knows she should be the last person feeling embarrassed. The poet addresses her harasser and expresses her conflict.
I saw you staring at my breast
And while you should be the one looking away
I averted my gaze
You were unfazed
I was first quite stunned
Because even though I know
it’s been ten years since I hit puberty
Ten years of men like you gawking at my body
In ways that make me shudder,
clothe, conceal and cover
I’m still not used to it.
That day at the store I wanted to throw a fit
I wanted to call you out in front of other people.
Embarrass you for staring at me like that
But I couldn’t go ahead
Because I felt embarrassed in stead.
Embarrassed of parts of my body
That are only as natural as the land
Or the sand by the sea
I felt embarrassed of being me.
I remember when I went to your store as a kid
you called me: “beti, bacchi, laali,”
Now you let your men ogle at the neck of my shirt
and say amid titters: “Dekho, kaisi si ho gayi hai saali.”
I felt embarrassed of the clothes I wore that day
and the choices I had made up till then.
I looked around myself
and I felt embarrassed of the men,
and the fact that I was a girl
in this country that wanted to hide me
but not keep me secure.
I felt embarrassed
because I felt so unsure
of who I was, and why I was that way
and how you knew you’d gawk and get away
and of why I was the one who had to care
while you’re the guy who could just stare.
I felt embarrassed of my embarrassment
So
I hugged my bag closer to my body
turned around and left the store.
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