From Utsav to Louis CK: Everything Wrong With Their ‘Apologies’

“The number of years I’ve spent in this industry” is usually a common excuse used by alleged sexual predators.

I’m sorry I snaked a hand up your skirt – but I was probably on medication at the time.

I’d like to apologise for making women feel uncomfortable over the years – I know, as a famous, omnipotent man, I should have known better.

Did my sexts cause you immense mental agony? I deeply regret it; I believe I was halfway to discovering my latent homosexuality (which I sincerely think we should talk about instead of the way I harassed you.)

Do any of these sound even vaguely familiar to you? That’s because they are – almost literally – paraphrases of apologies handed out by alleged sexual predators to their victims on social media.

If you read Utsav Chakraborty’s lengthy Twitter apology thread yesterday and kept looking for the “apology” in between updates on his health, then you weren’t the only one.

We can keep expecting real apologies, but the truth is, for at least a year since #MeToo started, all we’ve ever got are apologies made in the passive voice by men who make sure to mention “the number of years I’ve spent in this industry” and draft excuses.

Here are a few choice examples:

1. Utsav Chakraborty

Dear Utsav, you single-handedly manage to make this about everything else BUT the women you harassed? “But to use my illness as a crutch is stupid. But it’s not like it’s relevant to this whole debacle.”

My head is already reeling from the abhorrent behaviour women allege you’ve been responsible for. Please don’t cause it to reel from those double conjunctions too.

2. Kevin Spacey

Two things, Mr Spacey.

Coming out is a wonderful, brave thing. You tarnished it by attaching it to a horrific sexual harassment allegation against you.

Also, you fed a poisonous homophobic culture which believes the worst of gay men and women. Gee, thanks.

3. Louis CK

This one causes befuddlement. Umm, why would you think women want to see your d*** in the first place? And why does the rather lofty mention of your genitals – find pride of place in your apology? Not once, but several times?

4. Michael Douglas

Yes, because reminding people of your reputation – – neatly coiffured with the mention of your “father’s long history” is JUST what survivors of sexual harassment need.

5. Morgan Freeman

Er – But do you not, in a position of power, understand that “lifting up” a woman’s skirt – as one of the complainants alleges – doesn’t exactly qualify as a “joke”, but sexual harassment? The joke thing is a hard, hard pill to swallow, Mr Freeman.