I think I became attracted to women first and then men. As a young girl, I had some intense female friendships, minus the sex of course, but replete with jealousy and possessiveness. It was only later that I came across a language to put these feelings in a context.
‘Lesbian’ was the word that I first encountered in school, whispered in hushed tones and hurled as an abuse.
I distinctly remember a classmate of mine being singled out and stared at as she passed through the hallways. Oh, I stared too, at the classmate, as well as the girl who brought her infamy – neither judging nor defending. Just curious.
As I reached puberty, boys came into the picture and life became conventional. Books and movies were plenty to normalise this aspect of any girl’s life. But you know how it was in 90s India—even having a boyfriend resulted in ‘Haw..kaisi ladki hai!’
When I reached college, I was in touch with my bisexual side again, thanks to this one girl. I never spoke to her during the three years of college life. But she kept me up at night, thinking and questioning my beliefs and desires.
This time, I found the books and the movies, but our lawmakers didn’t want me to read or watch them. Remember the furore around the film Fire and the abomination that was Girlfriend? I also spoke to a psychology student about my feelings – was this normal? I don’t remember her answer, but I do remember staring at the object of my desires, minutes after being analysed by a shrink in the making. Probably, that’s when I stopped giving a damn – my lady was beautiful, I was smitten, end of story.
It was only in 2009 when the Indian High Court decriminalised homosexuality that I understood the politics behind sexual orientation in India. To be honest, I don’t think I still fully get it – the years of struggle, the threats to life, the little wins and the major setbacks that a few members of our country faced to help us get to where we are today. In hindsight, the saying ‘ignorance is bliss’ worked for me. The fact that I didn’t know I was breaking the law helped me come to terms with the dual nature of my desires, without any shame or guilt.
That, and a few friends who didn’t run miles away when I told them I was attracted to girls as well as boys; my mother, who understood me as best as she could, and a father, who maintains that no one can love me to the extent he does.
I have never been an activist or a hardcore intellectual LGBTQ member. I have attended one pride march in my entire life.
I am an emotional bisexual –I fall in love, I fight, I get my heart broken—the usual rigours of being in love. Sure, strength lies in the numbers. But strength is also something that each of us needs to find within – to be honest about who we are and be comfortable in our skin first. I understand that not everyone had that privilege before.
Now with Section 377 struck down, they will.
It’s okay if you want to take your time in coming out. RK Narayan had said that religion is private like one’s underwear. This couldn’t be truer for sexuality.
If you have consent and an age-appropriate partner, what you do inside your bedrooms is no one’s business, irrespective of your sexual orientation. Talk about your sexual escapades at parties if you are inclined that way, or remain silent. It’s cool either way.
Yesterday (Thursday) was a historic day and I couldn’t be prouder of my country.
What I really wish to see now is more stories being told in mainstream Indian movies – of love in all forms. The caricatures need to go. I want to see our role models in sports, in movies, in politics, in the business world coming out and sharing their stories.
I hope that it doesn’t take another 70-odd years before legal rights become available to the community.
As for me, I don’t know what plans life has in terms of love. Maybe, I will get married to a man or I will find a lovely lady. Or, I will spend the rest of my life with my cat. Either way, we all have reached a place, where we will be judged on our work, not on the basis of who is in our bedrooms.
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