Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint. It is also a part The Quint’s #MakeOutInIndia campaign, which is an effort to bring all taboo topics on sexuality out there – no beeping out, no brushing under, no cliches of the ‘land of Kama Sutra and Khajuraho’. Just an open celebration of all matters of sex.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you.
Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
Dear RainbowMan,
I have an unusual problem. I wet my bed. I am 25. A little history about myself, I was sexually abused as a child. Is this related to my abuse? I face social issues. I cannot socialise with my friends. I feel scared to stay over. My parents complain about my bedwetting to our relatives. They curse me. I don’t know what to do. I feel so useless.
In vain,
Love, Bombay
Dear Love,
Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with me. I don’t know your gender but irrespective, I am going to tell you that you that there are times when life knocks you down, there are times when you knock the mountain of obstacles down. Things change.
On that note, I do understand that bedwetting and then consequent stigma could leave you with a feeling of unlovedness. Though I can’t make a medical prognosis of your challenges, I can definitely say that I have heard from other survivors of child sexual abuse that they also sometimes lost voluntary control over their bladder. I would strongly recommend that you see a psychologist. Since you indicated that you are from Bombay. I suggest that you visit the NGO - Arpan. You will find their address in their website www.arpan.org.in.
Love,
RainbowMan
P.S: I would also recommend that you discuss this issue with your doctor. Maybe, it is not related to abuse at all? Ho sakta hai na?
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a straight guy, a postgraduate student. A gay boy in my class is in love with me. To confess, seriously, I feel flattered by this kind of attention. I always thought I was average looking and will find no girls, I am fortunate to find this kind of love from my male classmate. It was in summer that he confessed his love to me. I hugged him and told him I am straight but can be his best friend and that nothing needs to change between us. He hugged me, kissed me on my forehead and cried. I kissed him back. We have been very close. I think of him as my best friend and want him to find his love from his sexuality. I have told him that.
Of late though, he seems to be getting too possessive with me. I like a girl and he gets irritated when I mention her and eventually we end up fighting.
I don’t want to lose my friend. What do I have to do to help him?
Sincerely,
Rahul, Dilli.
Dear Rahul,
You are such an amazing person, you know right? It is rare to see people as people and not as victims or a cause. Thank you. Your gay friend needs a hook to his feelings. While I do understand that love can be a crazy thing, one also needs to strive to bring sanity in one’s life. What your gay friend has is a friend who loves him, hope he understands that he could lose this friendship too eventually, if he clings on too much without understanding.
I think he is hoping against hope that someday, miraculously, you will discover some gay gene in your body, and will choose to love him the way he wants you to. He needs a grip and a gear, He can’t lose what he has got, to get what he cannot. Love is not that binds, love is that sets you free. You can never love him the way he wants you to. Truth be told, heterosexuality is also a sexuality. And just as it is stupid to expect a homosexual to change into heterosexual, the inverse is also true. I suggest you speak to your friend. Be stern. Nothing helps better than speaking it clearly. Spell it out.
You are a lovely person, you deserve the best. I often say “ek ladka aur ek ladka kabhi dost nahi ho sakte,” well, I am proven wrong.
Love you, Rahul.
RainbowMan
Dear RainbowMan,
I am impotent. I don’t get much sperm. Just one teaspoon. I just get one drop. Will having sex on ice make me more potent to have babies?
- BarfMaanus
Dear Barf Manushya,
One drop of discharge has a million sperms. While you may deposit this drop in the vagina, of these sperms, only one sperm will unite with the ova to make a baby. One drop is enough. More than enough.
This ice theory is very new to me. How does it work? Where did you hear this? Did you see that they store sperm in the refrigerator in a sperm bank and assume that this is how sperm is made more potent? Well, untrue. It doesn’t work that way. So sitting on ice or cooling your balls, will not get sperms magically active and swimming in a pool.
I suggest that you read more about sex. And maybe, a visit to a sexologist to understand sex and the physics and chemistry of bodily secretions.
Speaking to an expert helps. Give it a thought.
Love,
RainbowMan
(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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