Inside Donald Trump’s Mind – His First Day In India

Naomi Datta is in Donald Trump’s head and tells you how ‘Namaste Trump’ Day 1 played out for him.

So what am I doing in your country? I will tell you how it started. I was watching ‘Parasite’ which didn’t have a single American person and no one spoke American. I said to Melania: what is this crazy Academy doing?

She told me it was South Korean and said she liked it. I told her: don’t go ape sh*t film school loony on me, they don’t give us trade deals, you give them Oscars. Let’s make American films great again – but Hollywood is just jealous of my popularity.

They spread lies about me – they will make a film on that crazy schoolgirl spreading lies about global warming. But not on me – the guy who went out and got Al Baghdadi. I made the US military the strongest, I made the American economy the greatest it has ever been – employment is on a record high.

The only ones out of a job are my critics… wait, how biased is the Academy? They gave an Oscar to the Obamas. For what? A documentary – it is fake news, all these documentaries. This is… oh, why is Narendra calling me? Why is he always on a plane? It is like the guy wants to be a pilot.

Howdy, Modi? No, I can’t. I can’t come to India now. Are you crazy. It is election year... You are gonna get 10 million people to line up for me? You are sure about that? You got yourself an American President, bud. Howdy for that, mate!

So, I am going to India. They are going to be opening up the biggest stadium in the country where they play Indian baseball. I am not a liar – I am not going to get you any big trade deal. India has been a bit mean to me – but I like Narendra.

Pakistan is a lot nicer – even though they kind of didn’t know Osama Bin Laden was living in their country. But well, apparently Imran – they called him ‘Im the Dim’. Just saying.

Anyway, coming back to Narendra and his country – the press, his Hollywood, they call it Bollywood – they like him back. They make films on him – not ungrateful people like here.

I told Melania, when the time is good, I will get Bollywood to make a biopic on me. Cos they know how to respect leaders – they will be positive, represent how great you are, cut out the lies.

They understand men like me can be gods. And they show the truth – not make up stuff because they want to be liberals.

Talking of liberals, you read what the lying, communist New York Times said about me. They said all countries now know they can flatter me by putting up a big show and a big spectacle – and they know I will turn up cos I get flattered.

So, the British got the Queen to throw me a state dinner at the Buckingham palace. Like that would impress me. It didn’t impress that middle class actress Meghan Markle. I am Donald Trump. And then the French threw me a military parade which was not half bad – and the Japanese got me to meet their king and then there was the Japanese WWF with fat guys in Japanese underpants. Ivanka says it is called Sumo wrestling. Anyway, I didn’t get flattered cos I can see through shams. They don’t do this to flatter me – they do this because I am the most popular President America has ever had. It is the honest to God truth – so cross my heart and swear to die.

So anyway 20 hours is a long time to be on a plane – and I am watching Bollywood. And there is this film where an old lady is shaking in anticipation because her son is getting off a chopper. And that is me – right now. Cos I think of all those Indians waiting to meet me. Shaking in anticipation. 10 million of them. I have my favourite yellow tie on.

We get off. Ohhh. It is hot. It is hot. There is Narendra – I really do like him. He knows his camera, he knows his angles, he knows photo opportunities. We prolong the hug a bit – you got to be kind to the photographers.

Narendra wants me to go to some ashram – and I really like him, but take me to where the crowd is. Anyway, Ivanka says we should go. We go and they give us stuff made out of broccoli – inedible.

So there is this lady talking about spinning things on a wheel – and after a bit, I think I need no help spinning anything, lady. Hold my covfefe. And I think that, and I look at Narendra – and I know he is thinking just the same. I wink. He winks. It is a moment. Then I sign in the register for my great friend Modi. They say: maybe you should have mentioned Gandhi. But you don’t fool me – Gandhi is the family in the opposition. I do my homework. Take me to the stadium.

We get to the stadium and it is packed with Indians. They are all there for me. But it is the only time I wish my name were Bernie, cos it sounds musical when you chant it in unison. Like Modi, Modi, Modi. I talk about our natural, beautiful, enduring friendship and how we have a common enemy in radical Islamic terrorism.

And then I tell them about Tiger Triumph, the joint US- India military exercises – and they are very happy and cheer. Later, they tell me it is because some guy called Tiger is taking apart Syria in a new Bollywood film. You gotta admire Bollywood for keeping it real.

I tell them India is lucky to have Modi and the world is lucky to have me. Narendra tells them to cheer for me – and I like Indian crowds, cos they are obedient.

Now we gotta go to Agra – and see the Taj Mahal. I had a casino called Taj Mahal in New Jersey – and Ivanka and Jared are all frisky about going to this monument for love. I see it – and I love it, and if I could I would kill my architect. Cos he gypped me – my Taj Mahal looked nothing like this.

But I am bored now – Melania wants me to sit on the bench with her cos she don’t want to look lonely like Princess Diana. So much for British royals making anyone happy, New York Times. Commies.

I am done now. I got India to put some things in the shopping cart – and now in Delhi I will get them to finally get the OTP and complete the transaction. Oh, and for all the commie channels in India which kind of wanted me to speak to Narendra about crucial stuff. We are. He is going to find me a Bollywood director for my biopic. And it is authentic cos a Canadian citizen will play me. God Bless both our countries.

(Naomi Datta is the author of How To Be a Likeable Bigot and tweets on @nowme_datta)