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Five Simple Ways to Handle Criticism Without Holding a Grudge

Criticism can be upsetting. Handle it maturely through these simple steps.

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No matter how fancy the words or how polite the tone is, criticism is never really welcomed with smiles and garlands. It’s like your dirty laundry being exposed to all and sundry without your consent. Despite all the fancy trimmings this is what they see?! It pricks.

Most people will either get into a self-righteous fit (read: plain old aggression) or withdraw completely. But no matter how you react at the moment, it niggles. Sometimes I’ve spent hours mulling over what was said, while simultaneously lecturing myself about how I shouldn’t let this bother me.

But since going about life without facing some sort of criticism is akin to seeing a unicorn outside your bedroom window, our only strategy is to equip ourselves with better ways to deal with criticism.

Separate the Self From the Behaviour

Criticism can be upsetting. Handle it maturely through these simple steps.
When a senior in office criticises your work, it stands only in reference to an incident or a skill. (Photo: iStockphoto)

We usually take criticism as a reflection of who we are. Instead, try thinking about it in terms of what you did and not who you are as a person.

For example, you may get criticism from a senior at work about the last report that you submitted. What’s important here is that you recognise this as he/she criticising your work and not you. That the criticism stands only in reference to an incident or a skill.

This difference is important because interpreting negative feedback as a remark about ourselves can be demoralising (or aggravating). But if you see it as a feedback of what could be better about your work, you know that it’s not meant to target your competence. Don’t focus on the feeling of rejection, instead on the fact that because the criticism is about behaviour, there is room for change and growth.

Assert and Agree

Criticism can be upsetting. Handle it maturely through these simple steps.
Asserting yourself even on the face of negative feedback shows that you’re not apologetic about having flaws. (Photo: iStockphoto)

Your sister complained about your anger, you know that you have a foul temperament but you’d rather get root canal than agree with her. Hence, defence mode activated. But if a piece of criticism is true (as unfortunately sometimes it will be), you’ll be better off agreeing with it calmly.

Asserting yourself even on the face of negative feedback shows that you’re not apologetic about having flaws. You then operate on a belief that making the desired change is under your control. It’s also a conversation diffuser. Once you agree to the criticism, the person has nothing further to say. Phew.

Ask Them to Elaborate

Criticism can be upsetting. Handle it maturely through these simple steps.
Sometimes criticism is actually meant to contribute to your growth and at other times it’s plain humiliating. (Photo: iStockphoto)

Criticism can have various intents. Sometimes it’s actually meant to contribute to your growth and at other times it’s plain humiliating. A good technique, with which you can handle either kind, is negative inquiry. Simply ask them to elaborate on the criticism.

If it’s valid, they’ll be able to build upon the criticism so that you can actually take something away from it. If not, there’ll be hardly something substantial to say and you’ll know that it’s not something you need to stress over.

Disagree

Criticism can be upsetting. Handle it maturely through these simple steps.
If the criticism is not valid, or you know that it stems from another person’s own issues then simply disagree with it. (Photo: iStockphoto)

If the criticism is not valid, or you know that it stems from another person’s own issues then simply disagree with it. There’s no point in getting aggressive about it, but there’s also no reason for you to accept something you know is not true.

Muster up some quiet dignity, so that the other person knows you’re not looking for a fight, but you’re also not internalising something which is likely not even about you.

Introspect

Criticism can be upsetting. Handle it maturely through these simple steps.
Before you react to criticism, think about what could have led to it. (Photo: iStockphoto)

Sometimes, the words will leave you a little bewildered. “Do I really do this?” “Is this how I come across?” “OMG! I am my mother!!”. Your first instinct could range from drawing their blood, to hiding under the table for the rest of your life. Don’t do either. Wait for yourself to calm down before you respond or sit to think about it.

Try to analyse where they could be coming from. Think about your recent behaviour or words, could there be a second interpretation apart from what you intended them to mean? Give it some space and thought, maybe it saves you from making a huge mistake at work or destroying an important relationship? You never know.

The point is to just keep your mind open. It gives you a second opinion; an alternative way of thinking about your own actions. Some form and amount of criticism is inevitable. You choose, if you let it aggravate you, demoralise you or teach you.

(Prachi Jain is a psychologist, trainer, optimist, reader and lover of Red Velvets.)

(For more stories on mental health, follow FIT)

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Separate the Self From the Behaviour

Criticism can be upsetting. Handle it maturely through these simple steps.
When a senior in office criticises your work, it stands only in reference to an incident or a skill. (Photo: iStockphoto)

We usually take criticism as a reflection of who we are. Instead, try thinking about it in terms of what you did and not who you are as a person.

For example, you may get criticism from a senior at work about the last report that you submitted. What’s important here is that you recognise this as he/she criticising your work and not you. That the criticism stands only in reference to an incident or a skill.

This difference is important because interpreting negative feedback as a remark about ourselves can be demoralising (or aggravating). But if you see it as a feedback of what could be better about your work, you know that it’s not meant to target your competence. Don’t focus on the feeling of rejection, instead on the fact that because the criticism is about behaviour, there is room for change and growth.

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Assert and Agree

Criticism can be upsetting. Handle it maturely through these simple steps.
Asserting yourself even on the face of negative feedback shows that you’re not apologetic about having flaws. (Photo: iStockphoto)

Your sister complained about your anger, you know that you have a foul temperament but you’d rather get root canal than agree with her. Hence, defence mode activated. But if a piece of criticism is true (as unfortunately sometimes it will be), you’ll be better off agreeing with it calmly.

Asserting yourself even on the face of negative feedback shows that you’re not apologetic about having flaws. You then operate on a belief that making the desired change is under your control. It’s also a conversation diffuser. Once you agree to the criticism, the person has nothing further to say. Phew.

ADVERTISEMENTREMOVE AD

Ask Them to Elaborate

Criticism can be upsetting. Handle it maturely through these simple steps.
Sometimes criticism is actually meant to contribute to your growth and at other times it’s plain humiliating. (Photo: iStockphoto)

Criticism can have various intents. Sometimes it’s actually meant to contribute to your growth and at other times it’s plain humiliating. A good technique, with which you can handle either kind, is negative inquiry. Simply ask them to elaborate on the criticism.

If it’s valid, they’ll be able to build upon the criticism so that you can actually take something away from it. If not, there’ll be hardly something substantial to say and you’ll know that it’s not something you need to stress over.

ADVERTISEMENTREMOVE AD

Disagree

Criticism can be upsetting. Handle it maturely through these simple steps.
If the criticism is not valid, or you know that it stems from another person’s own issues then simply disagree with it. (Photo: iStockphoto)

If the criticism is not valid, or you know that it stems from another person’s own issues then simply disagree with it. There’s no point in getting aggressive about it, but there’s also no reason for you to accept something you know is not true.

Muster up some quiet dignity, so that the other person knows you’re not looking for a fight, but you’re also not internalising something which is likely not even about you.

ADVERTISEMENTREMOVE AD

Introspect

Criticism can be upsetting. Handle it maturely through these simple steps.
Before you react to criticism, think about what could have led to it. (Photo: iStockphoto)

Sometimes, the words will leave you a little bewildered. “Do I really do this?” “Is this how I come across?” “OMG! I am my mother!!”. Your first instinct could range from drawing their blood, to hiding under the table for the rest of your life. Don’t do either. Wait for yourself to calm down before you respond or sit to think about it.

Try to analyse where they could be coming from. Think about your recent behaviour or words, could there be a second interpretation apart from what you intended them to mean? Give it some space and thought, maybe it saves you from making a huge mistake at work or destroying an important relationship? You never know.

ADVERTISEMENTREMOVE AD

The point is to just keep your mind open. It gives you a second opinion; an alternative way of thinking about your own actions. Some form and amount of criticism is inevitable. You choose, if you let it aggravate you, demoralise you or teach you.

(Prachi Jain is a psychologist, trainer, optimist, reader and lover of Red Velvets.)

(At The Quint, we are answerable only to our audience. Play an active role in shaping our journalism by becoming a member. Because the truth is worth it.)

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