Sexolve 27: “Would a Threesome Affect Our Relationship?”

Got a question about sex, sexuality or your relationships?

Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

I Am A Woman Attracted To Women. But I Am Way Too Heterosexual

Hi RainbowMan,

I am a 39-year-old woman from Pune. Earlier this week, after a friend’s party, I was offered a drive home by a younger female acquaintance. I am a straight woman in a marriage that’s a bit on the side since April this year. I have been sexually experimenting in this period while my husband lives in Glasgow (I presume) with another woman. The young woman last night made interesting conversations with me while giving me the eye now and then. When I reached home, before exchanging numbers, she pecked me close to my lips. Of course, it turned me on. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. The next day, we agreed on a rendezvous which is due on the weekend. But now I’m having second thoughts. I like her but I suppose I’m too heteronormative to give this a shot. Should I call it off?

Woman in De(bi?)al, Pune

Dear Woman in De(bi?)al,

If it is not just your presumption but conviction that your relationship with your husband is on the side, then you have something more important to address. You seem like a woman of words. Speak to him, clear things for yourself. You deserve to know where you both are.

As for the young woman, since you have been experimenting sexually (I just hope healthily), I don’t see why you shouldn’t give her a chance. Heteronormativity (for the uninformed : men loving women, women loving men) is a social construct.

There is nothing wrong in two women dallying for sexual or romantic purposes. What have you to lose? You might just gain a great experience out of this. Since you found her conversations interesting, you might also want to pursue a relationship with her. Look beyond the binary. Don’t let societal norms keep you from growing in any way.

Good luck!

RainbowMan

P.S. Love is not monochrome. And neither is sexuality.

I Suffer Profoundly From Gender Dysphoria

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a transgender girl of 22. I have never dated a man. I completed my hormone replacement therapy but am yet to decide upon a SRS (sex reassignment surgery). My family is supportive of me and I am well accepted in my circle of friends. A lot of men have made advances towards me and, while I have been into some of them, I never gave any the green light. I suffer profoundly from gender dysphoria. I am not sure how these men will react to seeing I have a penis. There are positive messages on the internet but none of them uplift me. I am a regular reader of your column and believe you may have the answer as to how I can deal with my problem. Am I doomed to suffer forever in our country? Academically, I am very good – should I find ways to settle abroad?

- Transfixed, Navi Mumbai

Dear Transfixed,

Darling, I deeply empathise with you. And I want you to know that you are beautiful. Whatever happens, never let somebody convince you otherwise.

Gender is a social construct. Eveybody deserves love. I am sure you will find it too. As for your struggle with this country, you are reasonable to think so.

The word is ‘Sexual Exile’. Though many think that India is scary, I have been to America, and it is not that everything is hunky dory in a country that we assume is way ahead of the times.

The point I am making is, irrespective of which country you are in, you cannot escape being yourself. And neither can you escape inquisitive glances and transphobia. People are the same everywhere. So accept and embrace – yourself and wear your killer smile and confidence to combat every evil.

Regarding India, come on! There are many very level-headed humans in this country. Give it time, don’t rush into choices. Take a chance with dating someone. You are smart, if you sense the person in front of you will not comprehend your situation, excuse yourself from the person or explain to hir logically. But, please, don’t give up. Love comes to all, be patient and take it slowly. I wish you the best and express lots of love. Also, I thank you for your faith in me. It really means a lot.

RainbowMan

P.S. Darling, I believe hate is a dysphoria. Gender is not.

Would A Threesome Affect Our Relationship?

Dear RainbowMan,

We are a gay couple from Kolkata and have been together for three-and-a-half years. We are both 32. We are a spirited couple, who has never fallen apart and has remained strictly monogamous in this long time. Last month, in a soiree in town, we met a man in his fifties. Amid getting drunk and swaying our bodies he asked us if we would like to host him that night. To both of our surprise, we ecstatically agreed. That night, at our home, we had the best sex of our lives! He has great prowess and made us do many kinky things to him. Maybe not kinky enough, but it was beyond our wildest imagination to blow the same man at the same time. It was exhilarating. We invited him twice again and it was equally beautiful each time. We can’t get enough of him. We keep talking about him to each other and, in between, wonder what this means for our relationship. We know for sure we will continue inviting him and maybe even go out as a threesome. How will this affect our relationship? Does this mean our bond will soon break?

- Curious Couple, Kolkata

Dear Curious Couple,

The fact that you wrote this as ‘We’ and not ‘I’ is itself an answer to how strong your bond is.

The inclusion in bed of one new person (or five!) does not affect a relationship unless that relationship is void of dialogue. It seems to me, from the tone of your letter, you guys discuss everything. Make sure to keep that going.

How will this sexually attractive man affect your relationship? I can’t decide that for you. It depends on how you take it.

In my opinion, it is healthy to add some spice so long as you have a dialogue after adding the spice and before it. While the moral brigade queens may publicly denounce such a relationship, let me spill the beans, a lot of gay couples would actually envy such a setting.

Let me spill more beans, I wouldn’t mind such a relationship too. (No, I am not hitting on you). What I am saying is understanding between partners is paramount.

You have little to worry about.

Enjoy the sex and don’t let it affect your romantic bond – this is all I can say! If one or both of you fall in love with him, discuss that too. Don’t keep it a secret. Maybe he wouldn’t be up for it. Maybe you would all enter a polyamorous relationship with you both being the main relationship and the older guy as the third person you both mutually love. Or quite frankly, even three of you’ll in a relationship. Choose what will protect the bond you both share. You are just a little skeptical, let time be your guide.

Watch this video. It will bring a big smile on your face.

Best of luck!

RainbowMan