(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
I'm a Lesbian. My Mother Threatens Me With “Corrective Rape”
Dear RainbowMan,
Please save me. I have been kept, almost in house arrest by my mother. She doesn’t allow me to meet my girlfriend. She thinks this is sin. I tried explaining to her but she doesn’t understand.
Next week, she said, she will take me to a religious practitioner to get me cured. It seems my horoscope says that I would be married in my 25th year of life.
I turn 25 in the next two months and my mother is certain that she will have me married off to a man. I have been beaten and slapped.
My mother asked me if she can get a man to have sex with me so that I could understand that men and women are made for each other. It scared me.
I know we are supposed to love our parents… but I don’t. I don’t. I am really scared that I would either be married off to a man and get raped every night by him. I am also scared that my mother would either get me raped by someone to “correct” my sexual orientation or will simply kill me. I am really scared.
My mother is a single parent, my parents divorced after my father was abusive towards my mother. I fail to understand how someone who has felt abuse can abuse anyone, and that too their own child. My mother is progressive externally, but she has these weird views.
I am not from some small village, I hail from a respectable affluent family.
I was feeling ashamed to write this mail. I am really scared. Really really scared. Please guide me, please help me.
Queer-In-Crisis
Dear Queer Person,
Let me begin by acknowledging that I can hear you as I read though your message.You are an adult and you have the right to be with whoever you want. No one has the right to dictate our sexuality. Not even our parents.
Parents can be upset and take time to accept or not accept at all, but they cannot force us to marry anyone, neither legally nor morally.
You should not hesitate to call the police if she ever attempts or threatens to get a man to rape you . Corrective Rape is Rape. And she could go to jail for this.
Please feel free to Whatsapp Umang, a helpline for Queer Women and Transpersons if you need any counselling assistance. The helpline number is 9930095856. Do not hesitate to pick the phone and speak. Open up. You can reach out to me on Instagram on @iyerharish.
It is important that you have a strong support system in place beyond your mother.
I know we are supposed to respect our parents. The inverse is true too. Parents need to respect children too. While they are completely entitled to have their reservation on issues, they have no right to resort to violence or issue a threat of rape.
It is also important for everyone to respect each other without fear or prejudice. It is important to call out when someone does something ghastly wrong.
It is more important to respect behaviour over age or relationship.
Whether you are from an affluent family in a city or a family living with modest means in a village, dignity and respect is always the choice we can make. It is not class dependent. And respect and love, has nothing to do with religion or social status. I know of people who turn their DPs pink during women’s day and then practice misogyny every day.
You should know that no one has the right to get you married off without your consent. Don’t hesitate standing up against anyone who forces you to do so, even if it is your own mother you are standing against.
You mother may need counselling too, though I am not sure if she is in a position to listen to you and visit a good counsellor who can explain that homosexuality is not an aberration but a variation. Homophobia is self damaging. May she get rid of it and get well soon.
With you
RainbowMan
P.S. Please reach out to the Umang helpline. Will keep Shruta from Umang informed.
My Wife Refuses to Give Me a Blowjob
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 39 year old man who has a bad wife. She doesn’t have sex with me when I want to but she wants to watch porn films all the time. She doesn’t even give me a blow job.
How do I change her. If I don’t change her I will have to leave her. This is too much.
Poor Hubby
Dear Poor Hubby,
Thank you for writing in.
Your partner isn’t good if she has sex with you when you want it. She isn’t bad when she doesn’t want to have sex according to your whims and fancies. Your wife is a human being with her own emotions and with her own timings and leanings with regards to sex.
You don’t need to change your wife. Change yourself. Calibrate your expectations with your partner so that you both have a fun sex life.
She can refuse a blow job or for that matter any job. She is her own being. If you want to have a better sex life, work towards it. Treat her as an equal.
Sit down with her and ask her what her desires are. How does she like to be fondled, what does she like in bed. Ask her.
Maybe, when husbands should go an extra mile and then maybe, the wives will walk a mile towards husbands too.
Give what you expect. And ensure respect at every juncture.
Smiles
RainbowMan
p.s. Tonight, no sex… just hold hands and have a conversation about her expectations and yours.
Dear RainbowMan,
I want to enlarge my penis. I have a small one and my boyfriend has a big one. How can I get it big for me too. Is there any operation I can do to make it big?
Small Man
Dear Small Man,
Thank you for writing in.
You can speak to an endocrinologist and a plastic surgeon with regards to penis enlargement operations.
Do check with them about the risks and benefits of a surgically enhanced penis. Go for counselling to check if you really need it.
If this is about sex – it is possible to find pleasure in sex even with a small penis.
Smiles
Rianbow Man
P.S. Seek emotional intervention first.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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