Sexolve 297: ‘I Am 28, My Lover Is 72'

Sexolve 297 | In his weekly column, Harish Iyer offers advice on your love, sex and relationship queries.

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

 ‘I Am 28, My Lover Is 72.'

Dear Rainbow Man,

I am a 28-year-old man in love with a person who is exactly my granddad's age. He is 72.

I know this kind of love is difficult for people to accept, but does it really matter? What really calls for people's prejudice on this one?

Isn't all kinds of love - love? I mean, why should the world be bothered about my love life?

They don't matter to me. They are no one in my life. My boyfriend is.

Yesterday, my friend told me that my boyfriend will die soon. Someone else tells me that I am possibly a gold digger because I will have a lot of property in my name after he dies. I mean, I love him. I really love him.

Why is it so difficult for people to fathom? I am no gold digger. I am not some nasty person. I am just a man in love. A young woman in love with an older person. I am really fed up answering if I was sexually abused or something of that kind. I have been fortunate to not have gone through anything like that. But I cannot understand how I can get up from this challenge of our times. Please help.

Gay Beyond

Dear Gay Beyond,

Thank you for writing in and for baring your deep secrets and your kind heart to me.

Love is beyond boundaries of age. Love transcends barriers of heteronormitivity and also extends itself beyond all constraints set by society at large.

You are in love, enjoy it, revel in it. Your love just needs validation from two people, you and the one you love. Age has got nothing to do with love.

Kuch toh log kaheinge, Logon ka kaam hai kehna.

Yes, your partner is older. That's true. Yes, age brings in complications in health, and eventually death. But anyone could die at whatever age. If someone is 70+ it does not mean they are going to die soon, and if someone is 20+ it doesnt mean they are going to live forever. Anything could happen anytime.

Not all the people who advice you may be genuinely concerned about you, but some may be. Hear them out. But dont be deterred by it. You define what is best for your life and run with it. No one else can tell you otherwise.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. You both are adults. And that should only matter. Nothing else.

'I Am Bullied for Premature Ejaculation'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a person who doesnt last long, if you know what I mean.

I come pretty quickly and it is a joke within the community of friends I have.

I had gone out with this woman and we ended up in the bed. Before I could go down on her, I came. And I couldn't get myself up again after that.

She went out and spoke to her friends. Guess what—she turns out to be from my community. I am bullied right from the time that one incident happened.

All my male and female friends call me "Quickie". There is sarcasm in their tone and it hurts me to a point that I spend hours and hours together trying to talk to myself in the mirror.

I feel I am going mad. This is causing me a mental health stress of another level. I cannot bear this anymore. I just need help. Please help.

Not-A-Quickie

Dear Friend,

Thank you for writing in,.

You are not a quickie. This is not what defines you. Sex is only one aspect of your life, it doesnt mean that your entire life will be seen from the lens of how long you last.

Your friends in your community need to know how such bullying could affect someone. at some opoint of your life, please check if you can have that uncomfortable conversation with them and tell them that you do not appreciate being spoken to like that. They need to know - what they must have assumed as friendly banter is actually toxic and painful.

No one has the right to treat you badly.

Speak to your friends in the community, dont beg them. If they dont understand, leave them. It is their loss.

Also sometimes when we are faced with unimaginiable challenges that may be embarassing to discuss, it may be worthwhile to speak to someone whose profession itself is to listen attentively and help people see things clearly for themselves.

I urge you to speak to a mental health professional. You owe yourself that.

The wounds that bullying inflicts on us are not visible to the naked eye, but they are felt by the mind and heart. They deserve healing. Please heal your mind and heart. Speak to a counsellor.

Coming to the issue of premature ejaculation — when you masturbate and when you are at the brink of an orgasm, stop masturbating and do something else.

This way you will be able to train your mind and body to have delayed ejaculations.

If the problem persons, please dont hesitate seeing an andrologist/urologist/sexologist.

Listen to yourself and your health. Wishing you love and healing.

Smiles,

RainbowMan

P.S. No one deserves your love more than you yourself.

'I Want To be a Pornstar'

Dear RainbowMan,

How can I become a gay pornstar or a gigoloo? Is there any course?

Gay

Dear Gay Man,

I dont know of any school or diploma course in India for professional sex workers. Sex work is yet not regrarded as work in its truest sense.

There is no diploma course or certificate course in being a woman sex worker either.

I do have a few friends who are porn stars in some websites, but I cannot vouch for the authenticity. There is a lot of risk to health and safety involved as well.

I am not making a judgemental call here. I am just here to tell you to take care of yourself, even when you are in pursuit of being a pornstar.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Good luck buddy.

In fact, there doesnt seem to be any course on heterosexual intercourse either… isnt it?