Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Suffer From Depression and I’m Looking for Love’
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 22-year-old gay man. I have been diagnosed with chronic clinical depression. I have gotten into several relationships but I bow out from them thinking that I will end up leaving them or hurting them. I hate being crowded with the idea of love and feel that I don’t deserve anything. I have had good relations with my previous boyfriends, however I don’t engage in conversations with them. It gives me goosebumps to see them in pain, longing for my attention. I want to be in a healthy relationship.
Broken Heart
Dear Broken Heart,
I am glad you visited a mental health professional. Diagnosis is the first step of wellness. I’m happy you are through that first stage and now you need to regularly follow up with your counsellor/psychiatrist.
Counselling is not a band-aid solution. It is a process. One needs to be consistent with it for mental wellness.
I suggest that you take care of your mental health before you get into another relationship.
It is not a nice feeling to leave your boyfriend longing for a conversation with you. It can be unhealthy for the relationship. You may love someone for who they are. I am sure your boyfriends also love you for who you are. Do chat up with them. Don’t force your opinion on them, rather give them space to digest that you are no more with them.
Everyone deserves a closure. A relationship is amongst two people here. Give them the time and space for a closure, the way they would define it, not just the way you define it.
And remember, things change. Things change for the better. They always have. They always will.
Smiles
RainbowMan
PS REMINDER: Counsellor appointment! NOW!
‘Why Do You Need to Shout About Your Story’
Dear RainbowMan,
I don’t understand why you need to come out and speak about your story all the time. Why do you need to shout over roof tops and scream that you were abused and raped and that you are gay? Is this a self publicity parade?
Angry Bhau
Dear Bhau,
Pehle, have some water. Too much anger is not good for health.
(For the uninitiated, I was raped all through my childhood from the ages 7 to 18.)
I could have chosen to ignore your question, but I chose to answer because this is not just about me but about the many people who are afraid to tell their stories of being raped or being abused or being gay. I stand today on behalf of all of them.
Firstly, there is nothing wrong in telling our personal stories. It is therapeutic sometimes for ourselves, sometimes it is therapeutic for others. Telling our stories helps us feel lighter. The fact that we fell on a pit and regained our strength to walk up to the ground stands testimony to the fact that we know some way to rise up and reclaim life. While we may not advocate actively every time, the fact is that it takes more than just courage to share our own stories, considering that we come from painful pasts.
Secondly, everytime we speak there is a part of us that breaks as we ignite a part of our pasts that has been painful. However, we regain our steps and our full selves.
The least we can do for people who speak about their life stories, is be kind to them and keep it free of any judgements.
Thirdly, remember that every woman who wears a mangalsutra, every man who wears a ring, every child’s naming ceremony that happens shouts heterosexual lifestyle and heteronormative thinking. We queer persons accept heterosexuals as a part of our society and don’t complain of this overt display of heterosexuality. It is time that you learn some manners and return the favour.
Smiles
RainbowMan
PS: Be less straight, I will be less gay.
‘I Am a Mangalik, Not Being Able to Find a Husband’
Dear RainbowMan
I am a 27-year-old girl and I belong to a very educated family. I am pursuing my PhD. My family is well to do. There is one problem though. I am mangalik. I have been married off to various things from trees, to dogs to even a dragon fly. My parents have done it all to ensure that I get married. They have looked for guys across the length and breath of the country and the fact is that I am still single. Have I sinned? Have I done something so wrong that I find no guy to love me? I am told that my husband will die if I marry a non-mangalik. I don’t want to take a risk. I am so glad that my parents are protecting the life of the person who would marry me by ensuring that I don’t marry a non-mangalik person. However, I am very dejected. Are my stars so bad? Why has God chosen me to be mangalik? How do I get on with life?
Star Gaze
Dear Star Gaze,
Why crush our dreams under the weight of our beliefs. I may not believe in God. I am certainly a believer of karma. Kindness is a payback circle. Love comes back to the ones who love. I would like to believe that the stars and the gods stand up for everyone who is kind and gracious.
Do you think God is nasty and someone who punishes and reprimands, but doesn’t love, hug and kiss?
If you love your God, trust that God will do good to those who do good to others. Trust gods enough that they would make no mistake. They would give you love for love and hate for hate.
Another tip. Why do you want to marry different creatures? Why don’t you engage in accumulating good karma points instead? Every religion and every God stands for good karma. So, do a good deed. Speak a good word. Help a subaltern emerge from the margins to the mainstream.
Stand up for yourself. I understand parents are concerned. But it is after all your life.
Stand up for your heart and open it for people.
You will find your partner when you have to find your partner. But first, you would have to stop subjecting yourself to these practices.
Smiles
Rainbowman
PS: You take care, okay?
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com.)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
(For more stories on sexual health, follow FIT)
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