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Sexolve 111: ‘How Do I Cope With the Death of My Lover?’

‘I hate myself for not being able to help him when he needed me. How do I deal with it?’ Harish Iyer answers.

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Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Partner Ended His Life, I’m Unable to Deal With the Guilt’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 28-year-old gay man. The problem I am writing to you about is a little different from the ones you address. However, I am very moved by you as a person and your responses add a ray of sunshine. I have been dating this guy since the past 3 years. We were planning to get married. My boyfriend was going through severe mental health issues. He lost his job last year. And while we stood together through thick and thin, I wasn’t able to help him with anything mentally. I used to spend hours telling him to speak to me, but he would just hug me and cry. I gave him all the numbers and mental health professionals’ details. Until one day, I called him up and he did not pick up the phone at all. He had consumed tablets and had left the world forever. I am unable to get over him. I tried dating others, it failed. I am unable to stop cursing myself for not being able to help him when he needed me. I hate myself. I don’t know what help I want to seek from you, but writing this to you makes me feel better. I thank you for your attention.

Lover

‘I hate myself for not being able to help him when he needed me. How do I deal with it?’ Harish Iyer answers.

Dear Lover,

Thank you for writing to me. I know that there are times when we find it difficult to type out a single word and sometimes the overwhelming feeling of loss propels us to pour our hearts out on to the screen. Thank you for trusting me and showing me your deepest scars that hurt you today.

The true test of love is when you don’t even have the mortal being beside you. The true test of love is when your heart has gone away and the hope of meeting him dies with his dead breath. I am proud of you for keeping him living in your thoughts.

Forgetting him is never an option that I would advice you to try. However, I am sure that he would have been happy to see you smile. So remember to park his thoughts in the corner of your heart, and let him be there. Remember his good ways, his kind heart, his breath and his times, however, also slowly stop seeing him in people around you, keep him in thoughts inside you.

We all need the fuel of love to propel us further. You are blessed with it.

Do not try finding your partner in people around you. He is unique. He is special. He doesn’t have other copies. He is one of a kind. And there is no one as kind as him. Just accept that.

The person you date next will have to accept you with your heart full of love for your lover. There is no changing that. But give your heart the love it deserves too. Allow yourself to be loved. I know no one can love you like your lover did, however, someone can love you, like they love you. Give them a chance.

Also, I am very happy that you stood with your partner in his difficult times.

Mental health issues if not addressed can take a toll on everything; the first casualty is often the relationship.

You stayed with him, guided him and celebrated his life. Don’t do yourself and your love a disservice by questioning yourself. You did enough. Your love was enough.

But when people die, they die. And after they die, it is up to us, to either be ridden in guilt, or celebrate their life, their love and their times in the best way possible.

Your happiness is the biggest gift for your partner.

Smiles
RainbowMan

‘My Girlfriend Forces Me for Sex’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have a girlfriend who is sex-crazed. She insults me if I refuse to have sex with her. I feel like having sex, but I don’t really want to do it every day of the week. I don’t know how to explain to her. Even my friends tell me that I should be a man and appreciate that she gives me so much sexual pleasure. I am not happy and sometimes she grabs me and does things with me when I am disinterested. What should I do?

Rajat* (name changed)

‘I hate myself for not being able to help him when he needed me. How do I deal with it?’ Harish Iyer answers.

Dear Rajat,

There is nothing manly in getting a lot of sex. There is nothing less manly about not getting a lot of sex. Your friends have problematic thoughts.

Consent is a two-way street. Your partner will have to respect your decision and can’t force themselves on you. You should not put up with that kind of behaviour.

Speak to her. Tell her what you feel, and ensure that you tell her that in a polite tone and in an environment that is helpful.

Irrespective of your gender, your right to your body, and your consent is as important as your partner’s consent. Do not start thinking that just because you are a man, you need to put up with non-consensual stuff. Just that you need to put forth your points with politeness and not with agitation.

Regards
RainbowMan

‘My Husband Checks My Phone. What Do I Do?’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am an Indian gay man married to a man. We had a very loving relationship until recently when we moved to Canada from the US. He has of late started checking my messages every now and then, started questioning me all the time. It is so difficult to find gay love, and this thing is getting f***ed up totally. How do I deal with this?

Troubled Love

‘I hate myself for not being able to help him when he needed me. How do I deal with it?’ Harish Iyer answers.

Dear Troubled Love,

Come on, it’s not difficult to find gay love. It is difficult to find love in general. There’s nothing gay or straight about it.

Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt. Give yourself some space from each other.

Maybe like a solo vacation somewhere far could do the magic.

In the meanwhile, husband or lover or boyfriend, no one should have the right to infringe on your personal space. And your personal space is defined by you and not him.

Kindly let him know that if you wanted an investigator, you would have married Sherlock Holmes. Ask him to stop this nonsense, in no uncertain terms.

Regards
RainbowMan

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com.)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

(For more stories on sexual health, follow FIT)

(At The Quint, we are answerable only to our audience. Play an active role in shaping our journalism by becoming a member. Because the truth is worth it.)

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