Sexolve 115: ‘Did My Professor Take Advantage of Me?’

‘People in power have the responsibility of not leading on someone sexually’, writes Harish Iyer.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘She Gives Me Mixed Signals, Does She Love Me or Not?’

Dear RainbowMan,

There is a question in my heart about someone I have been madly in love with. The problem is that she doesn’t heed my request for a private meeting, or even take my calls. She is always too distant, even when we are together in a group. But sometimes, out of the blue, she would send me messages. I mean, random messages that could qualify as forwards. These messages would be about love and longing. However, when I meet her, she makes faces and kind of shuns me. What is she up to? What is going on in her heart?

Lover Boy

Dear Lover Boy,

Sometimes pain helps us realise that we are living. Philosophy aside, I know matters of the heart are often way too difficult to deal with. And that’s because not everyone we love are vocal about their feelings and their actions-minus-words often leave us wondering what’s in their heart and mind. It becomes a guessing game that is left to everyone’s imagination.

You may never know what she is up to until she tells you. You could do two things – wait till eternity for her to come and speak to you, or simply go your way.

I seriously ask you to get a firm grip of your heart. Do not go after her. If she is fond of you, she will come back. If she is not, she may not. However, you will know. You will not be in the grey.

I dont have a happy feeling about the forwards she sends you and then doesn’t speak to you. Don’t be played on. Don’t allow anyone to be a tease.

True love is one that is reciprocal. One sided love is a story of pain.

Please take charge of your life. You deserve every bit of happiness.

Smiles,
RainbowMan.

P.S. Don’t destroy yourself in the quest of her heart.

‘Did My Professor Take Advantage of Me?’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a gay man. I am 19 years of age. No one knows that I am gay other than my college professor. He is hardly six or seven years older than me. He is very friendly and warm with me always. I go for extra tuitions with my professor at his place. Last week there was no one at his place when he was teaching me. I decided to come out to him then. He hugged me and told me that homosexuality is not a disease. He assured me full support. It was all fine until I realised that his hands were on my back pocket. He was feeling me up. I had an uneasy kind of feeling, but I should confess, I liked it as well. It was a very strange kind of feeling. However my professor had a bo**r, and I could tell that he was sexually attracted to me too. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I respect my professor. Did we do anything wrong?

Worried Student

Dear Worried Student,

Hey, congratulations on your coming out. I am sure it must be liberating to realise who you really are. It is a process from here. You have come out to yourself, the next step could be coming out to people who matter to you. Good luck with that.

Regarding your interaction with your professor - I can imagine the amount of trust you had in him that you chose him to know about your sexuality before anyone else. It is an important and iconic moment in your life. Irrespective of whether he was your professor or friend, he should have not taken advantage of your vulnerable moment. It seems like he just needed to know you are gay to feel you up.

Professor-student relationships may not have societal sanction, but I am not getting into the morality of the issue.

People in power have the responsibility of not leading on someone sexually at inappropriate moments. I don’t think what your professor did was right. I think he took advantage of the moment and his position.

I also don’t want you to feel guilty. Let memory be memory.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

‘My In-Laws Tease Me Because I’m Older Than My Husband’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a married woman. My husband is six years younger than me and ours was a love marriage. I live with my in-laws in a joint family. In the beginning, the in-laws did not seem to have any problem with my age. However, right from the first week, I started getting taunted. There were jokes about me and my age. The other day, I heard my mother-in-law tell my husband “did you take the blessings of your wife, she is anyway older than you” and my husband and my father-in-law started laughing loudly. I felt very insulted. Should I bring this up with them?

Upset Lady

Dear Upset Lady,

Congratulations on your marriage with the one you love. I personally don’t think age matters in love. IMHO only love matters in love.

Love is age blind.

Let me assume that your in-laws are not evil people. But if you feel bad about something, you need to tell them. Don’t expect them to understand you magically. It doesn’t work that way.

You love them, right? So tell them politely yet sternly, that you do not appreciate their so called “humour”. Tell your husband that it was not that he didn’t know about the age difference before he decided to marry you.

Let’s hope they understand.

There is nothing better than having a clear conversation.

Smiles,
Rainbow Man.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail].)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

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