Here’s Why I Think It’s a Good Idea to Drink and ‘Drive’

Watch at your own risk.

It’s been a week since Dharma Productions’ chef d'oeuvre (I’m kidding!) Drive dropped on Netflix. A film with an embarrassingly interesting history, Drive is supposed to be a heist movie starring Sushant Singh Rajput and Jacqueline Fernandez in (terribly written) lead roles.

Early reviews of the movie had established that Drive was trash. Which isn’t all that bad. But sadly, Drive isn’t the Riverdale brand of trash; it is the insufferable kind instead. So intolerable that even the Karan Johar tag couldn’t prevent this Titanic from sinking. So, from the get go, I knew I couldn’t sit through Drive. Not sober at least. Which is why I decided to have a ‘drink and Drive’ session with a friend.

Now, I am going to be honest. Alcohol does not magically make Drive more tolerable. But it does help soften the blow of having wasted two whole hours of your life.

So here’s a bunch of incredibly honest thoughts that passed through my inebriated brain while watching the Tarun Mansukhani directorial.

1. Can We Take a Moment to Discuss Jacqueline’s Wardrobe?

We’re living in an age where comfort has become fashion (unless you’re on the cover of Vogue). If you need proof, just think about the ease with which we’ve accepted white sneakers as appropriate footwear for all outfits!

Yet, Jacqueline Fernandez’ character is dressed in the most objectively uncomfortable clothes at all times in the movie. Even while driving a car (she’s supposed to be a seasoned racer), Jacqueline wears stilettos, a body-hugging skirt with a thigh slit and a bodysuit. This wardrobe combination terrifies me. Also, Jacqueline’s make up in the film has its own thing going on. In some scenes, she randomly seems visibly more tanned.

2. No One Seems to Be Driving Enough

For a film that’s called Drive, there’s very little driving involved. Sure, it begins with a street racing scene and Sushant’s character claims to be an F1 racer but that’s it. The act of driving itself is incidental purely because the thieves need to physically go from one place to another. The plot itself has very little to do with the characters’ hobby (side business?) of driving.

3. Sushant Singh Rajput’s Constant Pout

I hope all casting directors have watched Drive because the Netflix film proves exactly the kind of smug, too-cool-for-you con-man avatar that Sushant Singh Rajput cannot and should not play. All he does is stand sans any worry on his face and pouts in a way that he clearly thinks is cool but it actually isn’t. At all. His acting lacks the natural, presumptuous suave demanded by the script (was there even a script?) - but at least Jacqueline overcompensates in that department.

4. Is This a Dharma Film or Is This a YouTube Gamer’s Vlog?

For the better part of those regretful couple of hours, I was struck by the terrible VFX. Most sequences are intercut with shots of the film’s cast driving from point A to point B but what’s truly astonishing is how bad those shots are. They look like they’ve directly been picked from a car racing video game. Which is just embarrassing.

5. Bomani Irani Turns British Overnight

Watch Drive not for Boman Irani’s ace acting skills but instead for his impeccable British accent in the film’s climax scene. Irani adopts a charming British accent overnight and it’s almost distracting because of how uncomfortable he looks pulling if off. But I am not surprised because, like all Indians, Irani too has an accent-changing switch that is turned on every time he leaves India.

6. My Only Takeaway From the Film Is a Little Detail About Rashtrapati Bhavan

Drive has been a lowkey educational experience in that I learnt that during lunch hour, literally ALL guards in Rashtrapati Bhavan disperse. So naturally, it’s the best time to infiltrate and enter India’s most-guarded government building and rob it.

7. My Condolences to Pankaj Tripathi...

..for the most inconsequential, redundant role that he has had to play on screen. After watching him perform phenomenally in Sacred Games and Criminal Justice, I just want to put it out there that Drive is a disgrace to his talent and I’d like KJo to undo this terrible deed of his.

8. Sasta ‘Oceans’

The beauty of Drive lies in the fact that it unsuccessfully recreates many iconic films. At the crux of it, Drive feels like a sasta rip-off of the Oceans franchise. Or even a badly made desi Fast and the Furious (if only people actually drove more).

There’s potential for a genius heist film... but it just isn’t one. Then there are bits that will remind you of other films like Dhoom 2 : just like Hrithik’s character leaves behind his ‘A’ at every crime scene, so does ‘The King’ in Drive.

9. What’s Going On?

The utter lack of plot in Drive is what really makes it stand out. You could watch all 120 minutes of it (drunk or not) and still not be sure what the movie is about. Is it about finding ‘The King’ who goes around robbing banks and such? Or is it about Jacqueline, Sushant and gang’s big, bad heist? Or is it about street car racing? I’m starting to think that maybe Drive is in fact a mystery film.