Thanks to the success of demonetisation, Modi will be awarded the Nobel prize in all categories! (Photo: The Quint/Harsh Sahani)
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Why the Man With the 56-Inch Chest Deserves All the Nobel Prizes

The year 2017 augurs well for the largest democracy in the world, because the Nobel Prize Committee has unanimously decided to award the Nobel prize for all categories to the great leader with the 56-inch chest. This great leader was elected with an overwhelming majority by the people to rule over them a couple of years ago.

The claim of another leader from the other large democracy from the western hemisphere – who, in their wisdom, has been chosen by the people of that democracy to rule over them for the next four years – were rejected outrightly. The prudishness of the Nobel Committee – it still looks down upon anyone with a colourful personal life – came in the way and he was “trumped” by the great leader with the 56-inch chest.

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Leader Endorsed by the Bhakts

Any doubts that the members of the committee may have entertained about the merit of the leader with the 56-inch chest were set to rest by the large bhakt following he had and the tremendous contribution made by him in the fields of economics, science, medicine, literature and peace.

The outcome of two important bhakt-backed surveys carried out at the international and national level also contributed to the unanimous decision by the committee.

The popularity of the great leader was established by way of a survey containing simple leading questions posed through his app, getting an almost 100 percent approval for the great economic policy reform initiated by him.

Having thus settled the matter of popularity within the country, the only other point of concern the Nobel Committee had was popularity of the leader at the global level. This was settled through the survey commissioned by a reputed world magazine that saw the enthusiastically participation of bhakts, declaring the leader 'Man of the Year' in the readers’ poll. The parliamentary recognition of the results through a proud announcement by the Minister for Parliamentary Affairs sealed the issue.

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People wait outside banks to exchange currency notes following the 8 November demonetisation announcement. (Photo: IANS)
People wait outside banks to exchange currency notes following the 8 November demonetisation announcement. (Photo: IANS)

Nobel for Various Categories

The Nobel for economics was his for ordering for the demonetisation exercise, and the surgical manner of its execution. His single-minded dedication to “slow down the rate of growth of the economy” of the largest democracy to align with that of other big powers was a unique contribution to economics. And this had to be recognised by awarding the Nobel for economics to him.

He was a natural choice for the Nobel for physics for his unique and innovative idea of trying to usher in a cashless, digital economy even without the required infrastructure.

The science of jugaad encouraged by him in achieving that aim saved a lot of money, which could then be easily utilised for financing ventures initiated by friendly business families abroad.

The Nobel for Chemistry was awarded to him for the discovery of a new element called mitron with a “half-lie period” of 2.5 years. This latest addition to the 1869 periodic table drawn up by Dmitri Mendeleev spoke volumes about his dedication to the cause of chemistry.

This element mitron has the effect of inducing a state of constant well-being among the masses and transforming the minds of people to lap up even brutal, anti-people acts as pro-people. This has given a moral boost to the entire bhakt community.

The Nobel prize for literature was one category where the 'trumped leader' was also in consideration.

But the committee settled the matter in favour of the leader with the 56-inch chest because of an excellent work of fiction by him titled Acche Din Aane Waale Hain. The work of fiction has been widely circulated by the bhakts and has a large chunk of the population in a state of euphoria ever since it came into the public domain.

From ‘Achhe Din’ to ‘Bahut Achhe Din’

The selection of the great leader for the Nobel for medicine was a foregone conclusion because of the new method of “non-invasive surgery” invented by the great leader. He executed the surgery with great secrecy, speed and finesse on the unsuspecting patients in the country. The surgery was so successful that when informed about it, the patients declined to acknowledge the surgery because there were no visible scars.

The Nobel peace prize was awarded to the great leader considering his enormous contribution to the cause of peace and harmony in the world through frequent untiring global tours, without caring for his personal comfort, and for his picture-perfect bear hugs with world leaders, especially “Barack”.

There were additional factors for awarding him the peace prize. The experiment of demonetisation was a successful experiment in social engineering – a sense of harmony was created in society by forcing people of all castes, creed and religion to stand in queues outside banks and ATMs. Lack of time for any activity other than exchanging money has brought peace even to communally sensitive areas.

With the entire nation basking in the glory brought by the great leader, he delivered an acceptance-cum-thanksgiving speech to the nation on the eve of the New Year in which he announced measures which are certain to bring further glory to the nation and the great leader.

The leader, exuding confidence, announced that he was already in the process of authoring a sequel to Acche Din in the form of another work fiction titled Bahut Acche Din. Having understood the import of the message, the bhakts are learnt to have initiated a signature campaign for conferring the Bharat Ratna on the great leader.

(The writer retired from the BSF as an additional director-general. This is a personal blog and the views expressed above are the author’s own. The Quint neither endorses nor is responsible for the same.)

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