“I enjoy sex but can’t sustain relationships.” (Photo: iStock, used for representational purposes only)
| 5 min read

Sexolve 36: ‘I Enjoy One-Night Stands, But Not Relationships’

Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

I Have A Celebrity Video Wet Fantasy

“I am addicted to masturbation”. (Photo: iStock)
“I am addicted to masturbation”. (Photo: iStock)

Dear Rainbowman,

I'm 24 year-old-guy. I live a normal life but I have a real dark side. I keep masturbating a lot. I am damn addicted to it. I have the habit of collecting celeb sex videos from Hollywood movies and tv series. Even Indian celebs too. I lost my interest in porn but watching celeb sex stirs something inside me. No matter how many times I try to distract my thoughts, but I end up masturbating. If I stay a month without masturbating then I would masturbate the next month up to five to six times. I don't see women in a wrong way, I just watch it in movies. How can I get over this habit?



Dear James,

We all have celeb fantasies. We all do. I grew up watching porn sites too. It was a part of my growing up. It had all morphed pictures of celebrities whose vital statistics looked at least five times bigger than I guess they were. It is okay.

Five to six times a month of masturbation is not too much masturbation. If you are doing it five of six times in a day, it may seem much.

I do it once every day. I am sharing not because I am shameless, which I am. I am saying this because, there should be nothing abnormal about masturbation. It is absolutely okay to masturbate, as long as you do so only when you get excited and not when you are bored.

Maybe, you should not try too hard to distract your thoughts. Because every time you tell your mind “don’t think about it”, you are thinking about it. Maybe, you should take up some strenuous group activity that may demand your concentration. Like, even something like watching a movie may do a great deal of good. Go out from the confines of your home.

Don’t kill masturbation, kill the venues and the opportune times when you would masturbate. It helps.



I Am Straight, But Addicted To Lesbian Porn

“I am now confused if I am bisexual or lesbian”. (Photo: iStock, image used for representational purpose only)
“I am now confused if I am bisexual or lesbian”. (Photo: iStock, image used for representational purpose only)

Im a 28-year-old straight woman from Katmandu. I masturbate everyday watching lesbian porn. I am now confused if I am bisexual or lesbian and not 100 percent straight. Can you help me?

Nilu, Katmandu

Dear Nilu,

Thank you for writing in. Let me get straight to the point, I am gay – and I love watching straight porn as much as I love watching gay porn. I am not straight because I am watching straight porn. Similarly, if you identify as straight, you don’t become lesbian or bisexual if you like watching girl on girl action.

At best, one could define the state that you are in as bi-curious.

That said, it is not for anyone to define who you are or how you should feel. There should be no one putting a label on your emotions.

And for that matter, why do you yourself wish to put a label for your emotions too? It is best to be just yourself, feel what you are feeling sans any labels. #LifeSansLabels should be your mantra for 2017.

Smiles :)


I Enjoy One-Night Stands & Sex With Friends, But Not Relationships

“Problems erupt in the next level of relationship”. (Photo: iStock, image used for representational purpose only)
“Problems erupt in the next level of relationship”. (Photo: iStock, image used for representational purpose only)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 29-year-old man. I have had many affairs with men and women. The sex is always good and I love every moment of it. The problem erupts only when I take the relationship to the next level with a relationship. The sex suddenly turns bad. Fights take centerstage, instead of the love, and everything goes awry. Can you help me see light?

Raju, Mumbai

Dear Raju,

Why ruin a perfectly going “relationship” by calling it a relationship? Friendship is the relationship we should value even in a love relationship.

I guess some of us are commitment phobic and some of us don’t like the feeling of being clouded and find the idea of being exclusive very restrictive. Some of us find the idea of being free but not attaching a name to it. So, why do you get tempted to attach a name or a tag to your emotions?

You are happy having sex. And that’s how it should be. Sex with friends or sex with acquaintances, as long as safe and consensual, is okay. Don’t drag yourself to a relationship when you are not ready for one. Don’t fake it for there is no “fake it till you make it” in this case. A relationship is about two or more people and it is important that we don’t get into a relationship when we are not ready because it would end up screwing more lives than one.

Give sex a shot now, store relationships for another day!



(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)