Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
I Watch Too Much Porn And Masturbate Too Much
I am 32 and I live in an Islamic country. I am addicted to porn and masturbation. I am bisexual and single. I am a virgin. I am unable to find someone anywhere for safe sex. I am really worried about the time I am spending on porn and masturbation. I feel I am sinning. I am very worried. What should I do?
I love porn. And I love to masturbate. It helps me relieve my tensions. Especially when my mind is free and wavering. And so do many, many people across the world. They all masturbate. There is no sin in there. It is a body process. And it should be left that way.
But also remember, too much of ice-cream causes diarrhoea. And too much of masturbation may cause fatigue. Anything in excess is not a good idea. Masturbate, but only when you are excited, not when you are bored.
When you are bored, you could do many other things. Like go out with a friend. Watch a favourite film. Cry out loud. Go on a dating site online, like say okcupid.com. Love thrives in areas where it is forbidden. Yes it is risky though. So exercise caution.
About porn. Dude! It is okay. Just the same advice. Don’t wet yourself looking at every porn star so much that you get so bored of it all that you will not even be excited for the real thing. Build yourself a hobby - beyond imagining yourself having sex or shagging.
Regarding your looks. Shut up, remove your clothes. Go naked. Stand in front of the mirror. Look at every strand of hair, from your pubic hair, your armpit hair, hair on your head… look at your mouth, your nose, your chest… look at everything, feel every part of your body. Be intimate. Tell the person in the mirror that he is handsome, he is beautiful… because, he is himself. And being yourself is the best thing ever.
You are lovable. I take away your right to degrade yourself and think low of yourself from you. Deal with it.
I Am Not Comfortable With My Husband’s Touch
Dear Rainbow Man,
I got married in February 2014 and my roka happened in December 2014. Ever since, I don’t feel comfortable with his touch. I have communicated this to him. Since then I have been working hard to concentrate on building a life with him, but we are miserably failing. I even got elders involved and they are not helping. Every discussion with my husband ends up in a bad fight. This is affecting me very badly. I used to be a very cheerful person, now I am lost. I feel lost at work too. This is taking a toll on me. What should I do? I feel suicidal too.
I understand the pain you are going through. Is this rooted to some challenging time that you faced in childhood or in adulthood? Or is it that you just don’t feel sexual towards your partner? We need to get to the root of the problem for solving it.
The fear of penetration, the fear of men, or generally the fear of being in a relationship that’s intimate in nature - whatever be the reason, I think you are entitled to your right to refusal even if you are in a marriage.
You need to give yourself time. You need to love yourself more. You need to speak to people who you are in a relationship with. And if he is not being helpful or kind, you should decide to meet a professional marriage counsellor who will be able to look at your marriage and relationships from the lens of empathy and science. They are qualified to do that.
Give yourself time. Time heals everything. Time solves everything. I know that at times when we are extremely low, we expect quick results. But life isn’t a quickie. It is a prolonged play. So play along. Be patient.
And yes, love the person in the mirror. There is no person in the world who is better than the person in the mirror.
I Get Visible Erections
Dear Rainbow Man,
I am a 22-year-old boy. I travel on local trains and buses. I get an erection when I look at women’s hips. I get tempted to grope them, but I resist myself. I have never done anything without consent, but my friends call me chamdi. The moment I look at hips, especially the curvy ones, my penis salutes them. This gets way too embarrassing because my erection is seen in my pants and also it happens way too often. How do I save myself the embarrassment of getting involuntary erections and how do I stop myself from getting titillated by hips?
Thanks for sharing this with me with utmost honesty. I will call you Chamdi too, because I don’t see anything wrong in being a chamdi like you say you are.
We all get many thoughts in our head. I have had sex with John Abraham a thousand times, sometimes many times in a day, but when I met him in reality, in person, my hands went no where other than on his for a shake-hand. The point I am making is that you can feel what you feel, but don’t act without consent. Never ever, never never.
There is nothing wrong in getting erect involuntarily. In fact, most men have involuntary erections. Wear a tight underwear and loose pants if you don’t want it showing outside.
And regarding getting titillated, we all have our own spots that are sexy to us and that are capable of causing an orgasm. For you it is the hips of a woman. Don’t dispute it, don’t fight it, just concentrate on other things too. Divert your mind a little.
And if you have a consenting partner, please get yourself some sex. It helps. Nothing’s better in the world than good sex. How do I know? Well, I am a virgin since last Sunday.
You get the drift? (Wink, wink)
(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)