Sexolve 32: ‘I’m A Man And I Want To Bear A Child’

Got questions about relationships or sexuality? You have come to the right place.

Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

My Husband’s Habits Are Getting From Bad To Worse

Dear Rainbowman,

My husband and I have been in a successful marriage for the past 14 years. But off late, we are reaching a rocky patch. My husband first had the habit of snoring. He’d snore loudly even when we are in bed. He is also growing very old and fat. In addition to all of these, he had involuntary farts… and his breath is like a sponge. If he eats anything, his mouth smells of it for a long time even if he brushes his teeth. I am so fed up. He has no decency. He doesn’t know how to behave when a lady is around. These are things he should understand. I want to leave him. I am writing to you because you proclaimed that you are a feminist. He is like an old car for me, who is of no use. I want to be free of him.

Mrs Goody Two Shoes, Mumbai

Dear Mrs Goody Two Shoes,

You know, when we write these agony-aunt type columns, we try to keep our personal prejudices and anger and judgments aside. But sometimes, some harsh things are best told harshly itself.

Darling, regarding your analogy. You have married a human being and not a car. And even cars get worn out and have performance issues with time and sometimes need to be replaced. With human beings it is a little too different.

Your husband, I suppose is a Human Being and not a car. You don’t replace human beings when they get old and get physical complications. One treats human beings with empathy and respect.

Life partners try to understand and help their partners with every possible way. Even things that are socially embarrassing, they share with each other.

Loving someone is not only about loving them when they have them smelling like expensive perfume. It is also loving them when they are having their worst look and smelling of body sweat and breath when they wake up naked and ugly. It is loving a person despite their flab and greys and teeth that go away.

You definitely don’t love him.

And yes, you read it right. I am a feminist. Feminism is not about women being superior to men, it is about equality. And as a feminist proponent of equality, I feel for your husband. I wish your husband divorces you. He doesn’t deserve you. You can keep your youthfulness and agelessness with you. While he, the old car, can drive away to a land where love has no boundaries.

Smiles :)

RainbowMan

I’m A Man And I Want To Bear A Child. Is It Possible?

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a man with deep maternal instincts. I think it should be biologically possible that I become a mother. I mean, I want to bear a baby. Every time I go out and see a pregnant woman, I feel like crying. Why can’t I be pregnant? I also saw a Facebook post about a man getting pregnant. Has the technology come to India?

Mom-Inside, India

Dear Mom Inside,

I empathise with you. I seriously do. As far as I know, there is no way that a biological male can actually deliver a baby. The cases you are referring to are about transgendered people or intersex people. Half information leads to confusion and more fantasy.

In 2007, a person by the name of Thomas Beatie had delivered a child. His gender assigned at birth was female. He had ovaries and a vagina. While he transitioned from being a woman to being a man, he kept his vagina and ovaries, just got the breasts removed.

Besides this, to the best of my knowledge there have been no cases of men whose gender assigned at birth is male, bearing a child. Males, whose gender assigned at birth is male, don’t have bodies that are designed to bear children. Though science has progressed much, it still has some areas that it has not yet reached.

Till then, I guess it would be wise for you to not pin your hopes on something that is difficult and seemingly impossible but rather look at the infinite possibilities of things that exist. You could volunteer with an NGO that looks after children for the time being.

Let me assure you, not everything maternal is related to the genes. You could feel maternal towards any child irrespective of whether you have your genes in there or whether you have given birth to the child yourself. You just need to open your already big heart a little more.

Stretch your empathy to find happiness.

regards

RainbowMan

How Can I Save Myself From My Stalker?

Dear RainbowMan,

I have gained my freedom with great difficulty. Today I am a proud gay man. I am open on selective private social media forums though not open to the whole world literally. Of late, one of my friendships turned sour and he has been harassing me ever since. He has threatened that he will expose me on my timeline and tell the world that I am gay. He sends me abusive messages and stalks every move of mine. How do I safeguard myself?

Stalked Boy, Mumbai

Dear Stalked Boy,

Firstly, it is nice that you have found your own safe place in the internet where you can be yourself. Internet is a safe haven sometimes. It gives you the power of anonymity and a sense of privacy. Regarding the stalking, well, get in touch with a support group soon. You can write to/ call someone in Humsafar Trust. You can get more details on www.humsafar.org.

It is not cool for friends or ex-friends to threaten you. Stand up to bullies. Get your Facebook privacy settings in place.

Like for instance, if people tag me in every photograph with messages like “Narendra Modi Ki jai” to “Sai Baba blessings tag 4 people and you will have more blessings”… they don’t appear on my timeline for everyone to see, unless I approve them.

You can’t control what he posts on his wall though. However, what others think of you, should not be your problem. You should put your block feature to good use.

Regards,

RainbowMan

(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)