Sexolve 31: ‘Last Week, I Had Sex With A Bottle’

If you have questions about relationships or sex, this is the door you knock.

Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

I Have A Small Vagina

Dear Rainbowman,

I have a very peculiar problem. I have a small vagina. When my husband tries to enter it, his penis barely manages to enter the circumference of my vagina. My husband is very considerate and he doesn’t force himself. I am thankful to him and have no complaints. However, he has been spending more time with a woman in the neighbourhood these days. I think it is because I couldn’t satisfy him. I have not told anyone about this yet. I seek your advice. What should I do?

Tight Lipped, Chennai

Dear Tight Lipped,

Firstly, thank you for trusting me with your secret. And here are some facts, though you may want to check with a doctor too. I am not a doctor.

The walls in the vagina are pleated skin layers… like you know, the sari pleats…. How do they open up to be so wide? They open wide to accommodate a tampon, a penis or any object that you put in. A vagina could be called elastic for the same reasons. Imagine, you must have seen several small and petite women who are mothers. Their vagina opens up to a level that they can pop out a whole child.

I don’t think the vagina gets too tight by itself but the phobia of penetration could make things worse. Maybe you should not be tight-lipped about it. I mean, maybe you should speak to a doctor or counsellor about what’s bothering you about penetrative sex. Maybe the problem lies elsewhere.

And what about your philandering husband? Why do you blame yourself or your inability? People flirt because they want to flirt. Sexual satisfaction is important, but not that it can be used as an excuse to go beyond the paradigms of the relationship that you both have collectively set.

And why thank the husband for not forcing himself on you? Is that what the world has come to? Do we need to thank people for showing basic courtesy and not raping their partner?

You don’t need to thank him. It is basic courtesy. And you don’t need to hate yourself or blame yourself, it is basic physiology and psychology.

Smiles :)

RainbowMan

P.S. Give yourself a break. Head to speak to a doctor/counsellor.

I Had Sex With A Bottle

Dear RainbowMan,

I have been thinking about writing to you since quite some time. However, I just found the courage now. I have been fantasising about something up my back. It gives me pleasure to think that there would be a penis in my ass. I don’t think I am bisexual. I am straight. But still, I get these thoughts. Last week, I had sex with a bottle. I put it inside my anus, however the cap of the bottle got stuck in my anus and I had a tough time removing it. I am scared. Am I weird?

AssLock, India

Dear AssLock.

You have asked me two questions, I will answer those. But I have some job to do before that.

Hold on. What’s wrong with you man? I am a little too angry at you.

Come on, man. Fantasy is fine. Sexual pleasures are fine. But don’t put random objects inside your anus. It hurts, and it could get stuck. Imagine the embarrassment if you had to go to the doctor to get the cap out? Plus you have the fear of putting unclean, unsterilised things inside.

Though weird is not the word I would use for you. I will at best call you stupid and careless.

Regarding your fantasy about having a man doing it to you. Not all people who have sex with men, choose to call themselves gay. So hang in there, I am not being judgmental.

I will not label you as gay or bisexual, even if you fantasise of having a penis up yours. No one has the right to put a label to your feelings. You are bisexual, homosexual, asexual or whatever-sexual only if you choose to call yourself that.

Try more constructive ways. Have you heard of a thing called dildo? A simple google search will get you access to e-commerce sites that sell those.

Here’s a stupid, silly pun on what Paro and Chandramukhi did when they didn’t get their Devdass.

regards

RainbowMan

My Teenage Girl Had A Sexual Encounter With A Younger Boy

Dear RainbowMan,

Children these days grow up too quick. I am in my early 40s and have always believed in being a friend to my daughter. I have discussed possibly everything with her and encourage her to do the same. In fact, it was your presence in Satyamev Jayate that provoked me to open my heart to my daughter. Last night she confessed to me that she kissed a boy a year juniour to her. I am devastated.

Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

Thank you for watching me and having an open talk about sex and sexuality with your daughter.

But don’t be “devastated” yaar. Children are children, but they grow up fast and the world makes them open up and explore earlier than we could even imagine.

We live in a country where children don’t want to imagine that their parents are having sex, and parents don’t want to imagine their children having sex.

I didn’t understand what you mean by “kiss”. The first kiss is a teenage thing. And teenage things cannot happen when one is not a teenager. So don’t be paranoid. Just speak to your girl and tell her that she and her partner could take this further to the next level, only after they both are adults. Explain nicely without being over-the-top and without being moralistic about it. Moralistic language is hated by young minds.

Be a friend, like you always have. Your children are growing up. They will have sex at some point.

I know in the Indian context, we give a lot of importance to virginity. But more than virginity, it is the right to their own bodies and play safe sexually is what we need to be concentrating on rather. Because sex, in general, is a personal thing. It is not for parents to decide who, what, when and how their daughters and sons and transkids would have sex.

You just need to explain to them that they can do so after they reach the right age and that whenever they do, they need to play safe.

Regards,

RainbowMan

(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)