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Sexolve 28: “My Husband Beats My Buttocks & Abuses Me During Sex”

From love and sexuality to sex and abuse - here’s a forum to discuss your deepest issues. 

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Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail tosexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

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I Fantasise About A Woman With A Dildo Entering Me. Am I Gay?

From love and sexuality to sex and abuse - here’s a forum to discuss your deepest issues. 
Only you can confirm your own sexuality. (Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 31-year-old single man. I have had many affairs with women and most of them were sexual. However, I find myself sexually dissatisfied because of a secret that I have hidden deep within me. It is a kink. I fantasise about women shoving a dildo in my behind while she wears a strap on. I have never gathered the courage to share this fantasy with any of my girlfriends because I thought they will mock me for being gay. I am not even sure if I am gay. Am I? And how do I deal with this dilemma?

Mr Pegging, Pune

Dear Mr Pegging,

There is nothing wrong in both – being single and being kinky. So, it is fine. We all have some kinks that we speak about and there are many that we don’t. Don’t let social conditioning and the “log kya kahenge” dialogue dictate your desires. Be kind to yourself. And no, I don’t think women judge that much. And if there are women who judge like that, they are not worth your time.

I don’t believe in putting people in boxes of gay and lesbian and straight and bi. I believe that these terms help in activism and in making socio-political statements, but in reality, I believe that living one’s life outside the box that confines you to one gender or one sexuality or a term is the best way to live.

That said, if you would still want to confirm to a sexuality, let me make it simpler for you by sharing that just because you thought of a woman having anal sex with you with a dildo, you do not become gay. Believe me, I know of many men who have such fantasies and they prefer calling themselves straight. You can call yourself gay or bi, when you really feel like having sex with a man or getting into a romantic relationship with a guy.

Though yes, no one can and no worldly definition can define what your sexuality is. Only you could. If you want to, that is.

Love,

Rainbowman

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I Don’t Want To Get Into A Relationship Of Romance

From love and sexuality to sex and abuse - here’s a forum to discuss your deepest issues. 
You can’t live a relationship as a compromise. (Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a homosexual man of 21. I have had sex with women but never with men. I have been recently approached by a much older well-settled guy for a relationship. He is 35. I have known him for a little more than five months only. I am extremely fond of him and also think of him sexually at times, but I am not ready to get into a relationship with him. I want this bond to grow stronger and no cracks to develop in the relationship. How do I ensure the same?

DeepThoughts, Himachal Pradesh

Dear DeepThoughts,

Listen. I think, you have thought the right thing. Perhaps it is not right to get into a relationship until you are rock solid sure of getting into one. Also, glad that your “friend” thinks the same.

Friendship is the strongest of all relationships and that is what needs to be retained. Guess you cant be lovers or partners or even parents and children if you are not friends in the first place.

At 21, the thought of any sort of commitment could be daunting and scary. And the fact that it is with that your friend he is at a stage where he has an idea of where he wishes to head in life and love, and you could be at a stage where you are planning to begin. You both are in two parallel universes that would take some amount of effort to interject.

I think you should bring it up with him and help him understand that you love him in your way but are not interested in a relationship.

I guess, being honest is the most important value in any relationship. A relationship is made of adjustments, but seriously, you can’t live a relationship like a compromise. You know things could get ugly later when demands and expectations creep in from either partner.

Love makes people young and sometimes even juvenile. So despite his age, don’t expect him to be more mature at this stage. Also, I guess, you are young, but you are never too young to be mature, so understand and help him see light. May be, after the initial set back he could come back with a better understanding of your position and the position of your relationship than you are in right now.

Love,

Rainbow Man.

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My Husband Beats My Buttocks & Abuses Me While Having Sex

From love and sexuality to sex and abuse - here’s a forum to discuss your deepest issues. 
No one has the right to abuse you. (Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a working woman, married for the past two years to a wonderful man. My husband hits me on my buttocks when we have sex. I used to find it pleasurable but not any more. He also pinches my buttocks and I have marks all over my anal region. I do not like it at all. Also, he has developed this strange habit of swearing and saying things like “fuck you bitch” while in the act. I feel deeply insulted but I don’t want to hurt him by telling him to stop. Can you help me?

Mrs Distress

Dear Mrs Distress,

It is not easy to speak about these things that are way too personal. Thank you for trusting me with this.

But my love, what do you want me to help you with? And how can anyone help you with anything when you do not want to help yourself?

Yes, some people have the fantasy of abusing and ass slapping during sex. But it has to be consensual whenever it happens. Your husband has no freaking right to abuse you or pinch you without your consent. Please get this right.

You should get up and say NO. Goddess Durga came in my dreams and she said that Diwali is a good time to stand up for yourself.

Okay, I was kidding.

But seriously, you don’t need any shubh mahurat. Any time is a good time to stand up for yourself.

And if he doesn’t relent to your requests, please do what Bebo does to Imran in this video with a rather funny commentary.

Yenjooi!

Regards,

RainbowMan

(At The Quint, we are answerable only to our audience. Play an active role in shaping our journalism by becoming a member. Because the truth is worth it.)

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Topics:  Sex   LGBTQ   Sexual Abuse 

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