THIS IS AN EXPERIMENT. I should probably be writing a secret letter to my mom about my dark secret rather than sharing it on a news platform. But here I am, hear me out.
Sometimes I feel like an imposter. The fear, that one day the world will finally see that I’m not worthy of everything I’ve achieved so far, is overwhelming on particularly bad days. I believe that we all have varying degrees of this fear, and that it keeps us going up the ladder too (in the most twisted way possible). Why I’ve chosen to stop hiding behind what I want the world to think of me, is kind of a healing technique that I’m trying out. I’ve decided to give the world the real deal, the real me.
Does the world care? Probably not. But my life has changed, irreversibly and forever. You’ll probably roll your eyes if I told you about what triggered this tectonic shift in mind space. Believe it or not, it was a dull piece of research by a not so dull American researcher, Brene Brown. She’s incredibly dynamic in fact and I’m beginning to see researchers as ‘not nerds’ for the first time ever. Her gyaan video has 5 million views on YouTube and is one of the five most watched Ted Talks in the world!
I truly believe that this stuff should be taught in schools.
Vulnerability is the Most Accurate Measure of Courage
Brown believes in taking messy feelings and un-messing them in a way that blows me away. She’s spent the last decade trying to decode vulnerability along with the shame and fear that it comes attached with. But she spins it on its head to say that vulnerability is not a weakness, but in fact the most accurate measurement of courage. How empowering is that!
The thought took me right back to the first time I felt like wanting to say ‘I love you’ to a guy. My gut was screaming, my heart was pounding and he was playing hard to get. It was a messy turmoil that I couldn’t afford to let him witness. So what did I do? I played hard to get too. I acted like he didn’t exist, like I was better than him. Why? What else could I do? Go up to him, get down on one knee and then wait for death by rejection? Hell no! But Brown now seriously makes me wonder what if I had. What if the courage for doing that had won over the presumed humiliation? Maybe, he would’ve liked to see the real me, ‘cz it really ain’t all that bad. Would the risk have been worth it? I now know better.
It’s almost like life couldn’t resist the irony. He sent me a friend request on Facebook after all these years! As happy as it would’ve made me back when Facebook didn’t even exist, it now fills me with a ‘shucks’ kinda feeling.
By the way, if this hasn’t happened to you in the exact same way or with a slight variation, you’re an alien.
What it All Comes Down to is Worthiness
What won me over about Brene Brown’s research is the aha! moment it brought along.
Our imperfections don’t make us unworthy of love. Doing my best while allowing the world to see my limitations becomes my uniqueness, and my blemishes are no longer my weakness.
I heaved a sigh of relief. I don’t need to be an imposter anymore. I might not be ramp ready gorgeous but I feel beautiful. I might not be CEO material but I’m proud of what I achieve everyday. Somebody else might do it better, but I do my very best.
I could suddenly lift me out of my own judgement to become disappointment free and wholehearted. There’s no feeling more liberating. I believe I’m worthy. I’ve found the courage to tell the world the story of who I am with my whole heart. What fear can ace that?
Coming Back Full Circle to Self Love
Funnily enough, in my struggle to be who I thought I ‘should’ be, I forgot the part that the world isn’t dumb. Just like I can smell a fake a mile away, I’m sure you can too. So dropping the ‘act’ not only was letting go of a huge burden, it was also what allowed me to be authentic and real. What I thought I could only achieve by faking it, actually came my way in abundance the minute I stopped. I realised while falling in love, sitting in job interviews, getting back in touch with long lost friends and meeting strangers along my travels, that the world is happy to hug me with all my imperfections, because it has its own too.
Simple hai boss. Fear makes us vulnerable, and in that very deep, dark place sits courage. Be who you really are. It’s much harder to pull off being someone else and then end up sucking at it.
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