Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint. It is also a part The Quint’s #MakeOutInIndia campaign, which is an effort to bring all taboo topics on sexuality out there – no beeping out, no brushing under, no cliches of the “land of Kama Sutra and Khajuraho”. Just an open celebration of all matters of sex.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you.
Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
Dear RainbowMan,
I’m a 54 year old woman. I was widowed 18 years ago. Recently my mother-in-law passed away and I finally feel free of any bond tying me to my deceased husband. I feel that I can move on. My son fully supports my decision to find love again, but we both agree that Tinder is not for me. Also, I don’t want to go through matrimonial websites or match makers. I want to find love, old fashioned romance, not just get hitched. How do you suggest I find a good man?
- Ageless Babe, Kolkata
Dear Ageless Soul,
I’m so happy that you have decided to fearlessly forge ahead on the path to finding your happiness. Yay! To that! I’m so thrilled to know that you share such a beautiful relationship with your son, where you talk openly about dating (and even Tinder). Absolutely, nobody deserves to be lonely. I would suggest look for your new prince charming in places that correspond with things you are looking for. For example, if you are looking for a nature lover, sign up for a butterfly trail, or hiking trip. If you love to read, perhaps you would want a fellow bookworm. Enroll in a local library. If you like animals and want your man to be an animal lover too, perhaps you could start volunteering at a shelter for strays. While opposites attract, it is our common beliefs that keep us together in the long run. All the best!
Your Fan,
Hiyer
P.S. I love
Calcutta. I was born there.
P.P.S. If you happen to find a gay man,
hot, charming, animal lover – pack him up for me. I am also single, so am somewhat sailing in
the same boat.
Dear RainbowMan,
I’m a 21-year-old student of engineering. We don’t have too many girls in our college and those that are there are not beautiful. It gets very lonely here as we all live away from our families. So I decided to get a girlfriend. I asked a very plain looking girl. But she said no. I told her I’ll show her a movie and even take her shopping. She still refused. I thought she was feeling shy on campus, so I followed her out to the main city. I was sitting behind her in the bus, she didn’t even notice me! I bought her a small teddy, but she threw it on the ground! I offered to buy her ice cream and she refused again! Why is she being so arrogant? She is not even pretty. If she becomes my girlfriend and obeys me, I might even marry her. Why is she saying no?
- Pagal Premi Awaaara, Ghaziabad
My Dear Pagal Premi Awaara,
I would like to say something very politely to you. STOP! Just stop! She is obviously not interested in you. No means no. Nahi matbal Nahi!
Stalking a girl or spending money on her will never win you her affection. It is not some sort of sale in a supermarket. She is not obligated to reciprocate your ‘feelings’ and ‘obey’ you just because you want it that way. Also, you are not doing her a favour by making her your girlfriend, just because she is ‘plain looking’. Love is based on mutual respect and friendship. Sorry Boy!You don’t seem to be worthy of it.
You need a reality check. If you are lonely, make some friends. She is there to study. You should also concentrate on your education.
Stop harassing the girl.
Your shubh-chintak,
@Hiyer
P.S. if your hormones are behaving crazy, try masturbation. It is better than having a chaap of her kolhapuri chappal on your face. Hai Naah?
P.P.S. Well, we all stalk people online. ( It could be called “research”). But if you follow someone in real, you can be arrested. And you will be put in a womanless jail. I am sure, you don’t fancy being in a place where there are only men?
Dear RainbowMan,
I have been sexually abused when I was a child by a close relative who was an adult. It happened first when I was 8. As I grew up, I started liking it. I had all the reasons to like it. He used to bring me gifts, take me out on vacations and do things with me in a loving way. So in a way, I was responsible too. Never did he force himself on me. It was always with consent. I am 22 now. I still remember the ways he used to treat me. I find myself attracted to women, but I still miss his touch. Was he gay? He is married to a woman now? Am I gay or bisexual? I hope to find out who I am.
– Mister Hope from finding oneself
Dear Mister Hope,
I am glad that you acknowledge that it was sexual “abuse”, subconsciously. Many survivors of child sexual abuse tend to have this conflict in their minds, as it was not done in a painful way. There are many child molesters, who use the way of offering “treats” to children, so that they never speak about it to anyone. You were a child then. At that age, your consent could be easily influenced. Usually, with age, one tends to gain the ability to differentiate between good intents and deviant behavior. Don’t blame yourself for giving in to his demands of lust.
About his sexuality:
Someone who abuses a child is a child molester. Let us not assign a sexuality to the creature. Do we call the rapists in the Delhi rape case – straight? No , right. So why should he be called gay or bisexual or even straight? A person who takes advantage of a young child’s innocence is a child predator. Only that.
About your sexuality:
No one would know what it is other than you. If you miss the feeling of your guy’s touch and his presence, maybe you are just missing the feeling that you once had for him, it may not really mean that you are gay or bisexual, since you are attracted to women and not other men.
P.S. Sometimes it helps when you stop reasoning and questioning and start loving the man you see in the mirror. Speaking to a close friend and seeking psychological intervention would help you greatly. Much love to you and good luck.
P.P.S. I was also abused by a man when I was a child. Took me years to conform to a sexuality. I am gay. But I know many who are abused by men and are straight too.
Fact: Research says around 54% of boys in India are sexually abused in India before the age of 18, mostly the perpetuator is a man. If all of them were to be gay, then homosexuals would not be a minority in this country.
The fact is you don’t “become” gay. Like, you cannot “become” straight. You just are, or you are not.
(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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